5 Behaviors to Avoid While Waiting to Marry

This article was written by Dr. Michelle Johnson for our partners at the amazing Black and Married With Kids.

There is a stage of life called “the meantime.” This is when you are in transition from one particular season of life into another. For example, when you are making the leap from being a college student to being a professional, from being childless to being a parent, and from being single to being married. This is a time of waiting, of anticipation, and of excitement. It’s also a time of preparation and growth. Or, at least it should be.

For many singles, “the meantime” leading up to marriage is difficult. The waiting can get old and can wear on you, which is why it’s important to be on guard for the behaviors and attitudes that come from getting impatient and from acting out impulsively. Consider these five behaviors to avoid while waiting to marry and determine how well you are doing in “the meantime.”

1. Sleeping with another person’s spouse

The desire to be married or to be loved should never lead you into a married person’s bed. Not only do you contribute to breaking a marriage covenant, but also you set yourself up to be cheated on once you get married. Furthermore, your self-esteem plummets when you stoop that low just to feel close to someone. The married person may string you along and promise marriage to you at some point. But just know this, if he/she cheated the first time, there is a strong likelihood that cheating will occur again. Either way, you will reap what you sow.

2. Being jealous or envious of another person’s spouse or marriage

I’ve heard from single women who say, “I can be a better wife than she is.” “She doesn’t treat her husband like he’s supposed to be treated.” “I’m nicer/sexier/smarter than she is. Why can’t I find a man?” On the other hand, men might wonder, “How did he get that kind of woman?” “He’s not making the kind of money that I am making.” These types of comparisons don’t lead to the marriage of your dreams. They lead to competition, low self-esteem, and an envious attitude. When you secretly desire someone else’s marriage, you don’t have any room in your heart for God to bless you with your own marriage. Instead of making comparisons and being jealous, why not be happy for the couples you know and do your best to stay out of their business because no one knows what happens in a marriage behind closed doors.

3. Appearing desperate and lonely

I remember my parents teaching me that how you carry yourself matters. People will respond to you and respect you based off of what’s on the outside, first and what’s on the inside, second. Sure, things should be flipped, but the reality is that they aren’t. That’s why appearing desperate and lonely is not a good look for someone desiring a healthy, happy marriage. Grown, single women can appear desperate if they are always dressed provocatively or if they are constantly seeking attention from a man. A man might want you for a night if you appear easy, but I doubt if he will want you for a lifetime partner. Grown, single men can appear desperate, too. Every time you see them they might be trying to pick up a different women. They grope and grab women, use cheesy pick up lines, and wear too much cologne. They are just desperate and maybe even a little creepy. To attract a woman who will respect you as a man, you need to dress like a man and not like a teenage boy. You also can’t appear to be on the prowl. Appearances matter for men and for women.

4. Speaking negatively about the opposite sex and about relationships.

What comes out of your mouth matters. All men are not dogs, and all women are not gold diggers. All men will not cheat, and all women aren’t trying to trap you in a relationship by getting pregnant. If you speak negatively about the opposite sex, then you meet and date negative people. You also have to stop speaking negatively about love and relationships. If you have been betrayed in the past, that doesn’t mean you will be betrayed in the future. Statements like “I don’t trust anybody,” and “I’m not giving my heart away again” set you up for failure. You will never experience the blessing of marriage if you don’t trust or open your heart. So be careful how you speak about your future spouse and about marriage. Your tongue can block you from your blessing.

5. Attaching your happiness and identity to another person

If you don’t know who you are right now and if you aren’t happy in your single status now, things will not change once you jump the broom. Another person can’t make you happy, even if he/she is your spouse. It’s sad to see one person in the marriage be totally consumed by the other to the point that he/she doesn’t know who they are. Just because you come together as one in marriage doesn’t mean you don’t have individual personalities or interests in life. The union of marriage helps both spouses grow into who they are individually while at the same time grow together as a couple. So, regardless of your marital status, be happy now, love who you are now, and walk in your purpose now.

If you are single and desire to be married, your day will come if it is God’s will for your life. What you do now, in the meantime, has a profound impact on what happens once you say “I do.” So, don’t block your marital blessing by getting impatient and opening yourself up to the wrong attitude or behaviors. Instead, focus on how you can experience the blessings of life now, which will make your marriage stronger and happier once it becomes a reality.

Be sure to visit Black and Married With Kids for other great articles on positive images of marriage and family within the Black community.

{Image Credit: Tim Wimberly}