I just found out my husband, “Mr. when I leave them I never speak to them again”; continued to have phone conversations with his ex-girlfriend during the first month of us dating. He, of course, pulled the whole “I was tying out loose ends” shtick when I confronted him and added the expected syrupy sentiments to the tune of— “baby, I clearly didn’t want her, I wanted you. Oh, I love it when you are jealous—you are so cute! …” And on it went…
Since we’ve been married for about seven years, I couldn’t really do anything as drastic as leave him. Nor could I emotionally withdraw from the relationship to start or to continue seeing other people; I just had to settle for turning him into my Butler for the next twenty minutes and then get over it quickly so I can settle back into my “nook” when he sat back on the couch—you know the space between your significant other’s right side and right arm where after wiggling your body mercilessly in order to fit, you are at your most happiest— so… being back in my nook, I was over it, simple as that.
Lest you think I am a happily dimmed, sooo in love wife, I was fully aware that if I found out about my husband’s little tete-a-tete when it actually happened, my imagination would have gone wild as to what exactly the phone conversations meant and my pride wouldn’t have let me continue seeing him. And I would have missed being permanently allowed into his nook.
Anyway, after this experience, it came as no surprise, when a week later during a Pilates class, I found myself giving a friend this advise when she found out that her current squeeze of three weeks made out with someone else the night before (she found this out by looking through his text messages):
Relationships are like wine; give it time to breath before you begin the tasting process of sniffing, sipping, gurgling, and whatever else you are supposed to do before actually swallowing it. In layman’s terms: quit looking for skeletons and ruffling feathers within the first few weeks of dating—because I can assure you, you will find them and when you do, the rosy haze of your new relationship will go away with your new found nugget of knowledge. And please don’t believe the hype you are about to tell yourself of “good riddance, it is better to know now than later” since from my experience, I’m not entirely sure we can always bank on that sentiment always being true. Sometimes a call is just a call and a drunken kiss is just that. Lord knows I’ve had a couple of those with random people at the onset of new relationships and they meant nothing to me; but I can rightfully assume it would have meant a whole lot to the new boyfriends if they found out that the night before our third date I was playing tongue hockey with Mr. Random X. New boyfriend and I would have never gotten off the ground.
Sadly, what is always true is that your turn as Sherlock Holmes within the first of couple of months of dating will give you no other choice but to either break off a maybe fruitful relationship in its embryonic state because ‘Man A’ made out with ‘Chick B’ from the bar in the second week of you two knowing each other (“I mean… how distrustful and shady!”). Or it will force you both to start a new relationship on a distrustful footing—him for making out with Chick B and you for your rendition of Sherlock.
As much as we women might think our actions are justified…searching through text messages (most used portal), emails, listening to voicemails, and my personal favorite—stalking FB accounts and subsequently all the accounts of his female FB friends just to make sure they are just friends and a little on the homely side…he will definitely not think so. God forbid that these men find out about the background and credit check we cyber age women order the moment we get a hold of their last name—yep! this does happen.
Instead of all this, why not try living in a laissez- faire state for at least six months with your new beau? Enjoy each other; and, like you would do with a good bottle of Syrah, allow the relationship to breath in the beginning—douche bags always show their asses more than once anyway…
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